I'm super sensitive,
man. I don't like people because they formulate opinions about me and
then I wonder if they're true. And then it eats me up, keeps me up at
night. I start doubting everything about myself. Like this dude saying I
come across like an arrogant asshole...that shit has been in my head
ever since. I don't want to be an arrogant asshole. Simple as that. I
want to be a nice guy. A stand up gentleman, you know? I've played
the asshole long enough. I don't think...I don't feel like I NEED
that anymore. I want to be a good guy now.
I
had to focus entirely on me last year to pull myself out of suicide.
So I had to make me really, really
important to myself. And I already have narcissistic tendencies out
the wazoo. It seems like all I've done my whole life is buffer myself
from humanity and from life and from existence. I want that buffer
gone. I want to be whole. I want to be free. Open to experience. I want to be creative. I
want to make the things I want to make. Film the films I want to
film. Write what's in my head to write. I don't want to be angry
anymore. I want to be open and loving and caring. I want to share all
things and help people who need it or even just want it.
Look...this
is what I've discovered; I look at film, I look at the entertainment
industry, I look at music, I look at writing, at art and...I just
feel at home. I know that in that industry I can do all things, you
know? I just know it because it's already within me. I have a lot to learn, sure, I'm okay with that. But it comes
easily for me. It doesn't cause me ANY stress to do those things,
even when they're extremely difficult, I have to learn a new skill, I
have to dig into an emotion I've avoided, I have to learn a new style
or structure, etc. I love it. Any other industry I just want to be
done with it all immediately; “let me learn absolutely everything
as quickly as I can so I don't have to bother learning anything else
here because I hate it”. Not in the world of
creation and entertainment. I am so in love with it...you don't even
know. Acting--even--I feel has come pretty easily. At least grasping the concepts, I guess. It's just about
developing one's emotional awareness and control and openness and
emotional confidence, creating desire, motivation, goals to put
those emotions toward and connecting with people truthfully in a
false environment. Which is so much fun.
That's the magic. I've
wanted magic my whole life and that's where it is. In creating truth
from made up worlds and situations. I love that. That's divine, man.
That's the conundrum of existence. It's so contrived, yet it's so
absolutely true. Life itself is truth...within a manufactured
setting, ultimately a false world, yet filled with so much truth. All
that there is is truth. A person may lie, a ruse may be had, a
deception set in motion but...those are all true statements. There is
only what there is and there is nothing more and nothing less.
The
most exciting things are the things which blur the lines of reality.
Blur the lines of truth. Lies. Deceptions. That's what art is--film,
theater--a fake setting, a false framework, made up to entertain you
by filling it with TRUTH. Does that blow your mind? That seems like
the ultimate. Some things are designed just to mesmerize and
entertain the senses without provoking much thought (think,
“Transformers”), but there is not a depth to them. The truth is
only that the visuals and sounds excite the senses. There aren't many
layers of life within the framework. It's just a contrived framework
with contrived life inside. There could have been so much more in
there, but that's not what it was designed for. And such designs
crumble when tested just a little bit. So, it's best to just enjoy
them for what they are and carry on. No need to get angry, bro.
Truth
within the framework of falsehood at its best--to my mind--is
something like, Birdman, the Secret Life of Walter Mitty (prolly my favorite), Prometheus,
the Matrix (just the first one, please). They ask questions about
reality, about the reality we create, about the human condition,
about existence and the purpose of living our lives. Those are
excellent questions
just brimming with
truth.
Anyway.
I don't care to please everybody. I used to. And it's a difficult
habit to break. But I DO respect and value the opinions of all
people. We all have valid life experiences. I don't have enemies.
They might think that of themselves and of me but I don't. People who
position themselves as enemies are the most valuable folks. They
present the questions, the weaknesses you might not have realized you
had to address. This is me practicing formlessness and using
negativity to produce positive outcomes. That's all I want to do
anymore. I want to radiate with positivity and loving and
tree-hugging. Chyea.
Alright,
so...I don't want to be an asshole anymore. Is the point. I want to
be grateful and I want to grow my ethereal arms to hug every soul.
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